Ahh.

So, I'm in the middle of an argument again. It's pretty stupid in my opinion, but I'm going along with it. Anywhoo, I'm in the middle of an argument, and I just decided to stop. Not stop arguing, but stop trying to please people. Like, F*** them. I get pissed off so often. I don't really show it, but I do. When I do show it, for one split second, something goes wrong. Apparently, I'm supposed to be this happy person. Nowadays it's the opposite. I sit here, and I'm fine. nothing is wrong. I'm enjoying my day. then outta nowhere BAM, depression. It's like I'm not expected to be in a good mood. I was in an excellent mood when I awakened this afternoon. I was talkative and everything. Now, I'm just as mad and sad as I was yesterday, and the day before. I want to be happy, but it seems like I can't. these little things didn't used to get to me so much, but now, life is really hitting me in the face, like life hit me so hard that the me in this metaphor died. I have no job, no future, no present. Maybe this is just the depression talking, but meh. I just don't seem to be able to shrug off the things I could before.

I hate opening up to people. Like, I try to be all nice and stuff, for awhile. eventually, someone would have to meet the true me. Everytime some does, he just seems to get mad at me all the time. I'm always mad. I don't care how happy I am. WIth that happiness, i'm mad. I can be both happy and mad at the same time. I can be mad and mad at the same time. Usually i'm happy and mad. It's just how I am. So, when somebody does something to annoy me, it adds to my mad and subtracts from my happy. I'm just an angry person at heart.

I hate when people complain about things that are in their control. Like when people say their life sucks, then they can make it unsuck. and if it's too late, then it's probably their fault that their life sucks in the first place. Or, say that somebody started smoking and drinking and stuff, but now they can't quit. They blame the drugs instead of themselves. Ah! but I do seem to hate when people put too much blame on themselves, like I usually do.

I wonder if anyone actually know what a blog is. Like it actually is a weblog. A log on the web, or blog for short. haha that almost sounded like a dictionary definition.

I wacthed family guy for the first time in awhile the other day. That s*** was tooooooo funny. lmfao lmfao lolololl lmaoooo hahahaha. Peter is hilarious.


I just remembered, when yvette told me that people wonder what I'm thinking. Why the hell would someone want to know what I'm thinking? lmfaooo I actually kinda want someone to answer that haha.

I was just told that someone couldn't react to me the way that they wanted to, because they don't know how I'll react. I wonder if I scare people. Or do I like, Idk, uh change people I guess? not really what I was looking for. Uhm.. do I idk maaannn. dang. I just wonder if people react to me differently, because... scratch that... I just wonder why people react to me differently than others. I mean obviously, because it's me, but like what about me.

I'm about to go watch some TV.

Meh.

I get so F***ing tired of things sometimes. Like if I were to just sit there and think about some things, and how they end, I would be extremely mad. I don't even know why. I'm supposed to be living this great life and whatnot. Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right. It's kinda just there, which is good I guess. I mean, who wants to be dead? hmm... bad question lol. anyway, I feel like I'm not really good at anything right now. Maybe smash, but I even feel like I suck at that. I got 33rd out of 51 at my last tournament, meaning I beat one single person in a set. I lost to a scrub and someone decent that I know I could have beaten. I get so upset when I lose to people that aren't really better than I am. I was just thinking about how much effort I put into that game, and how i still lose to mediocre players. I play people and I can read them, but there isn't a single thing I can do about it. When it all comes down to it, I realize that the character I play is holding me back. I can't get around stupid stuff, because I don't have a way around it. I should be able it punish mistakes but i can't. I just sit there and get hit by the same stuff over and over again. It's sooooo F***ing frustrating. Like, dude wtf? you aren't even outplaying me, you're just spamming s*** that I can't get around. I should be better than this. I should be getting close to top 8 at these tournaments and I'm not, because some stupid B**** will pick a character and just press the same button over and over again, then I lose. I shouldn't have to deal with that S*** and I don't. I really shouldn't be complaining, because I can switch characters, but I don't want to. I shouldn't have to switch just because of some Bull*** in the game. whatever. I'll just get better and hopefully i'll learn to get around this stuff.

I also realize that I get tired of people, if I don't see them. Like, I don't know what the problem is, but I just stop really caring after awhile. Like Edem for example. I really can not put my finger on it, but I really don't care about him at the moment. I could easily see me not talking to him ever again, and not caring. He's not the only person that I view like this. There are plenty of people i see in my life now that I would not give eight F***s if they weren't there anymore. Most of them already seem like they aren't.

I'm poor. I need a job. I can't do alot of the things I want to do, because I have no money. If I were to have a job, htne I would have money. Sadly, I seem to fail at getting hired. Maybe, I should just ask more places for applications. I'm bound to get hired eventually.

I'm on the phone right now, if I want to call it that. I don't even have the phone to my ear. It's kinda just sitting around me, just in case a word is spoken. Anywhoo, as I'm sitting here, I began to wonder, "Why the H*** am i sitting here?". Like, Dude I don't even go with this girl anymore, and I'm still on the phone not saying anything at all.

Lately, more and more people have been calling me depressed. Now, I've been called depressed for years, but like it hasn't been as prevalent as it is now. It's like everyday somebody asks me why I look so depressed, including people I never met in my life. I didn't actually start feeling depressed until like a month or two ago. It's gotten to the point where I would call someone, and their mother would ask why I SOUND depressed.

I have a sleeping problem. That S*** always comes back to haunt me every now and then. I told myself I wouldn't fall into a bad sleeping habit this summer, but I did. It kinda sucks, because I usually want to do stuff during the day, but I wake up too late.

I hate when people talk about me. Like, not even negatively. Like just if someone were talking about me to someone else, it would just piss me off. I don't know why though. It's just kinda annoying to me. Like dude. Wth are you talking about me?

The other day, I realized that if I'm talking to someone, as rare as that may be, I have to know where they are. I don't exactly know why, but I have to know where the person is. It's pretty weird.

I guess I'm done for now. blah blah blah. Yaaaaaa.

Str8eight.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
My facebook password lol
i never blogged yesterdayyyy.

well at least i never finished. brittany's party was teh sex like i thought it would be. I thought more people would show and I could tell she was a little disappointed with the turnout. There was only five people there; six including her, instead of the supposed to be like 10 - 15. alot of people bailed adn didn't show. waaacckkk. it was maaaaddd fun. the dog was being stupid at the end. i had lots of food and it was just cool stuffz. haha we suck at rock band lmaaaooo. "We got four people on the drum kit and we're still failing". It was nice seeing squid and kwuan after such a long time. I thought i would never see them again. haha Squid forgot my theme song. ya. it was cool. today is pretty cool as well. it's easter. I thought of something in church like i usually do, but i forgot it lol. Was supposed to get my suit, but the stores are like closed. Prom is saturday and idk what i'm wearing. wait... ya i do lol. yvette doesn't. ahh. ya read some more of this book. it doesn't really appeal to me. School starts in two daysssss. ahhhhhhhhhhhh lol. well ya guess i better get going.

8!
eighth blog.



oh craaaapppp forgot some stuff that happened yesterday. first thing being I had my first dream in like months that didn't habe Tashauna in it. meehhhh usually i like to leave ambiguity for my readers, but this is one of the times where i can't do that. when i said her not being in one of my dreams. i meant as a friend, and STRICTLY a friend. Even by saying that i'm sure someone will think something of it. make a big deal or whatnot. she's not even the main focus. she likes disappears after while. it seems like the dreams are before the whole mess happened last year. The disappearances are also pretty awkward. maybe i'm longing for the past? or do i just want to be friends again? who knows? that doesn't even seem possible under today's circumstances. AND!...

i used a towel yesterday for the first time in like ever lol. For those who don't know, [which is pretty much everyone] i usually don't use towels when i get out the shower. i usually just put on my robe and dry myself in front of my heater. haha au naturale. i think that's how it's spelled. actually i don't think that's how it's spelled lol. ya the whole towel thing seemed so monumental to me. what elseee? i remembered this part like three hours later than my original post lmao. more is sure to come. ok not sure, but it's possible.

almost eight

Title means it's almost my eighth blog.
yaayyyuhhhzzzzz.
i feel like a n00b compared to dav who has like fricken 100.
anywhoo. this is going to be an ongoing blog. like i'll type things as they happen.

i wake up to this crap. some odd way miles just so happened to find my blogspot. Yvette is mad because i wondered why she wanteed to be friends with someone that i'll obviously have to start communicating, though she doesn't want me communicating with her. for all that i could just start talking to her now. and, to top it all off, it's raining. why is miles telling me not to look at his blog like i've read any of them? what bothers me is that he mysteriously found my blog. how did that happen? meh i'll ask, though i'm pretty sure i know the answer. so she asks me if i regret going back with her. like huh? does that even sound like it makes sense. maybe i just didn't make my last blog clear enough. lmfao, so i was right on how he found it. should make another blogspot. i found out that somethings i do are actually for myself and this is one of them. I'm getting slightly annoyed by the fact that i'm getting questioned about things that i already said. i always wondered who i am. like everyone sees me in a completely different way than i do. My parents think i'm some gifted genius that could have done anything with his life that he wanted. others see that --- pause. haha i got the from B.G. so... some odd way. i keep getting the same thing of i regret going back with her. WHAT...THE...FUCK... like are you kidding me? that doesn't even sound like it makes sense. i'm pretty sure i said i would like to see how different things would be. hth is that = i regret going back with you?
if i were to read what i wrote, then i would be ok with it. i'm not understanding it. So... i'm guessing the whole "if i could do it all over again, i wouldn't go back with yvette" thing is the only thing people pay attention to. i'm pretty sure i explained why afterwards. shit is beginning to piss me off. so she goes off and writes this huge a blog about things that i wondered? i can't wonder now. lol geez just kill me now if that's the case. the funniest thing is... it's a blog about a misinterpretation and a question with my reasoning as to why i see it as being an iffy idea. One thing i noticed is... people seemed to she, in particular, only seemed to focus on the first two things i said. like what about the rest of it? you're not going to question me about anything else. this is bullshit. makes no sense to me at all. maybe if somebody said something different then i could see it making sense. --- too. like really what do people see in me? My teachers, my parents, my peers. It is like I open up their eyes. like one math teacher, K-wizzle of 3-point-1-4 lmao, he once said "sometimes i look at you and i see something different" idk wtf that meant. it was clear to me that he saw something in me that he doesn't see in others. sua once told me that i was her inpiration to be herself. miles said that he wouldn't be him if it weren't for me. I... don't get it. i'm just a kid. well a young adult now lol. most of you will never see me again after high school. man... fucking people. another thing. do... people really think that I didn't have to make a choice. ok so apparently there is this stigma going around that when you cheat it doens't hurt you. hold up... what? dude are you serious? let's think about this. you love two people. you have to pick ONE. this decisions isn't going to hurt. of course not it only decides your future relationship between one of them. it can't hurt. >_> dumbasses. omg marcus you hurt me so much. i fucking hurt myself. maybe people forget that i had to choose. it's because i did the wrong thing that it can't hurt me. Then i get some dumb shit like it hurt so much. i know how it feels.


The thing that bothers me the most of out anything is that this blog had so much of an effect. My thoughts... not actions... not an intention.... just something i wondered caused all this controversy.


Miles... i don't know your blogspot lmao
it's kind of hard to read something i can't see lol.

hopefully brittany's party is teh sexxoorrrrzzzz.
lighten up my day a bit.

Bottle.

If...
I were to use any noun to decribe my self, Bottle would be the noun. A tightly sealed bottle to be exact" not even letting air inside. probably why i'm asthmetic haha. Not a bottle full of a beverage of any type; just a bottle full of thoughts. The most recurring thought being: What if i did 'this'?". I'm not that big of a bottle. somewhere around 8 oz. So every now and then i tend to explode. i can only keep so much inside me. With more and more thoughts coming to me, i'm bound to explode if i keep in all my thoughts.
Today, from the time that i awakened, i have had quite a few thoughts that have bothered me today. To stop my self from exploding i release a few. where? anywhere. on paper, here, when i'm talking to people; wherever i can find that satisfies me. once enough is out i stop. i think i'll do them here today.

first thought since i awakened was, "If i could do last summer over again, what would i do differently?"

It's actually a pretty basic answer. I wouldn't go back with yvette. That would change everything, which is exactly what i want. i wouldn't go back to never cheating on her. that's boring. if i get a chance to go back and all i do is do something that will probably have the same result, what fun would that be? the thing is: i do not know how things would be if i did not go back with yvette and tell the world i cheated on her. and that is what i wonder...

second thought.
why the hell is Yvette going to the movies wih Tashauna?

Maybe I missed something here, but i'm pretty sure Tashauna is the girl that i pretty much went out of my way to please, WHILE GOING WITH YVETTE. Now, i'm all for people being friendly, but really? how smart does that look. oh i'm just going to go to the movies with the person my BF cheated on me with on multiple occasions. We're trying to be friends. lmfaaaooooo. makes perfect sense, doesn't it? Besides Nothing can happen between Tashauna and me. We stopped caring about each other last year. hahahahahaha. Good luck trying to keep her away from me and vice versa. It's not like we're going to see/talk each other ever again. of course not she'll just go with you somewhere that i happen to go and we'll ignore each other the whole time. even when you aren't around lmfaaooo.

third.
does she really want to be friends with everyone?
Like really. wtf happened to "idc about anyone. f*** you. f*** you and f*** you too."? seems like she threw that out the window and decided to try and befriend EVERYBODY. eh whatever floats your boat.

next.
well it's just a realization, but... idk wtf yvette is.

Well i was sitting in the car pulling up to ihop and realized that... she's pretty much a combination of every single person i know. like seriously... i can go down the list of people she can be. i'm not going to, but i can. I just remembered how last summer she reminded me so much of nataki. Now it's a combo of sua, miles, and aja. oh and a little bit of Nataki. Once i even thought "hey tashauna used to say that to me on the phone".I was really this [.] close to saying that she reminded me of tashauna, but... let's not go down that road lol. She had an orignal moment and i forgot what it was. something that only she does and she got it from herself and not anyone else.... crap i forgot, but i did have it. I guess it comes from her not knowing what she wants to be.

blaaaaahhhhhhh.
best thought ever lol.


I opened my bottle just a little... HOW THE F*** is rainman this genius.? lol
daaannngggg s*** is ridiculous.

ohhhh forgot one.
Do i do things for me or for others?
it originally was does she blah blah blah, but i chenged it, because i wondered it about myself. Like... this blog for example. is it really for me to release my thoughts to prevent explosions, or is it just for other people to see what i'm thinking. i never seem to knkow my intentions when i do something, unless it's a joke or I want to find out info. other times i'm confused on why i do some of the things i do.


had another one. i forrghggooottoytfhnsdrgethv;l6dexcghbjoijuyhreioiuyhjgfswiiuytfrejouytrfsdeedcgvfh. forgot.

--------------------------------------------------------------
so like... I read Nat's blog and I feel as though i should retract my statement about yvette. well one of them lol. I guess i do know her. It's easier to say she,s constantly making additions to herself, instead of saying i don't know her. That's ridiculous. Everything else still stands.

emotions

Sometimes, I think emotions get in the way of things. I will elaborate more later. As of now, I shall head to bed. I am probably going to start blogging more frequently again. I kinda miss typing about stuffz lol.

11/21/08

today was a day of ups and downs. i'm not sure which one was more occurent, but they were definitely there. the night before this one, I told myself i would wake up at 5 to finish my work that i hadn't finished last night. I didn't sleep too well and woke up about 4 times before 5. then once 5 hit i didn't want to get up, so i went back to sleep. and woke up about 10 minutes later. i repeated that process until about 6:08. i realized that i really have like no determination to do my work. i wasn't able to get up and i would rather had failed then get up. on the same token, i also came to the conclusion that it just takes me awhile to realize when i'm being stupid and try to do better. I finished my work and caught the bus in time. normal entry into the school. i went to laye to see if my outlines had improved or not. he told me that im' getting better. i was pretty happy to hear that, because i tried harder than i did before. i think i may actually get a B or A on it. i went to... oh ya klawonn's room, but before i got there i saw yvette come out =]. i thought that's how i would look but when i saqw her i noticed something in her face and she didn't come to me she just walked away. i was a little bothered by that but i knew that something had to be wrong so it didn't really affect me that much. we got to keith's room and she told me that she is in trouble. i don't understand why she is being treated the way she is, but i think it's being a little unfair to her. anywhoo... Food and nutrition was full of laughs. WHO THE F*** CUTS FRENCH FRIES. hahaha lmao vernon was killing me. didn't do much, in that class as normal. 2nd period is where my first down comes into play. i walk down the halway and see yvette still mad, and now on top of everything she can't find her Ipod. i would return the laughter to her from when someone stole my DS, but i dont feel as though it's necessary. So, i get into class and i'm fine. then i make a joke about how i'm on probation and Jasmine starts yelling and cussing at me. I do not like when people yell at me at all. it angers me. i especially don't like when they're yelling cus words at me. i didn't respond to anyone for awhile. i did my work and could tell people knew that something was wrong with me. uhm... left that class and went to english. that's when an up occured. i don't even know why. i just got high spirits i guess. anyway, i didn't do anything special that class. i read my book for bookshare. though i did realize that people really think that i'm different. all i did was tell them to look for fear and everyone says thats something different. why are you so different? i don't really know the answer to that question, so i didn't attempt to answer it. uhm... rated girls but not really. yvette gave Edem and miles higher scored than me, but yet she likes me so much more lol. i don't really get how that works, but whateverrrr. I was supposed to do yvette's math club work but i forgot. she tried to throw all of it on me before 4th period. i didn't find that to be fair, but i told her i would do it, so i attempted anyway. Sua and i started our own journal similar to miles' and sabrina's journal thing, but i don't think ours will be that successful. i hope that it turns out ot be, but i mean what could i really gain from this? idk. 4th period was the same chilled watched stuff on youtube, and left lol. i did realize when we had like 4 min left that i hadn't done any of yvette's problems except one. i was pretty disappointed in myself. i didn't do anything all class and could have done her problems but i didn't. school ended and yvette was happier i guess. she wasn't like =D but she was like =], so that brought up my spirits when i saw her again. uhhh i went home... went to sleep without telling anyone. i had to clean the bathroom. didn't talk to yvette much. found out that i could do stuff on weekends =]. almost went to mccoy's house, because he got UNS, but he left lol. i was stoked to play it but couldn't, because i didn't clean the bathroom. Heat and I lost a match on GB. it was actually quite entertaining but the loss was upsetting and demoralizing. My brawl has begun to malfunction. i hope it was only for that brief period. not much happened. oh and i realized that i need to start wrting my diary in a journal for two reasons:

1) it's portable and i can write on the go, instead of waiting untilt i get home
2) how private is a diary that anyone can see? doesn't that defeat the purpose of it?

OH and lately i have been like ridiculously horny. like i need some sex badly.
ya a pretty ok day i guess. it seems like it was more ups than downs from what i typed in this entry so... the day was fine.
might not be doing these entries online anymore.
but i'll still blog =]
Later!