(l)

lol xat talk. It's a heart.
I'm awake at 4 AM. I mean sure that's nothing out of the usual. But. it's not just because I'm not sleepy. I mean, I'm not but that's not the reason I'm awake atm. I'm thinking alot. need to let stuff off my chest. Maybe then I'll be able to get SOME rest.
I only have two things on my mind, but right now, I'm only talking about one.
which is obv the heart, or at least my heart lol.
That's a paramore song actually, and Yvette used to say it about me all the time. No surprise she's in here. I mean she's only my "girlfriend for life" as Sua would say ahaha.
But, that feeling is starting to fade.
What we thought we'd be
what everyone thought we'd be
is not what's happening at the moment.
and
quite frankly,
I'm happy for her.
but
I feel like crap to say the least ahaha. I hate the feeling of longing for someone that's longing for someone else.
She made Oye public, so I guess I can too lol.
Meh, I was hoping it wouldn't get this far between them, but a man can only hope I guess.
I'm just so disheveled. like.
blah is the only pure thought that comes to my mind. the rest are like incomplete words that merge with other words.
I feel replaced. I feel like I'm becoming less important.
but
what's the most odd thing is.
I don't feel like it's done between us.
I don't feel like everything is over.
I 'm not at a point when I'll give up. I can't believe I'm being so optimistic, as this is like extremely rare.
I'm not sure what it is, but something is stopping me from giving up.
thing is.
I don't
want to mess things up between them. like if you read her blog, you know how she feels about him, and she said she doesn't want any complications right now, and that it's the last thing she needs. I'll just be a complication. Shes extremely happy, and I'm happy for her.
but
I hate the feeling
of ruining that.
even if it's her choice to come to me or whatever.
I still persisted.
I still was there.
I still didn't let go.
I'm caught in a huge internal struggle right now, and what's worse is: I'm struggling about something I can't control. I can't control her feelings toward me. I can't change how she feels about Oye.
so
at this point, Idk what to say.
I've put my heart on the line for her so many times.
This heart that beats only for you is hurt, withered, and broken down.
I was actually starting to get over her.
and then.
Graduation rehearsal was
fun to say the least.
we smiled.
we were happy.
having fun.
very vague right?
I mean I do that with all my friends so what's special?
As much as I want to come up with a good thing that's special, I cant.
Wow @ promise coming on outta nowhere lol.
I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY I CAN CALL BOO
LOOKIN FOR THE ONLY ONE I CAN GIVE MY ALL TO
TELL ME IF IT'S YOU, YOU, YOUUU.
I wish it were that easy lol.
I'm scared. that's all this is.
all these words.
are fear.
My thoughts.
my feelings.
the reason I'm awake.
is all fear of losing something that isn't even mine.
This blog looks so negative, but it's really not.
I'm actually really determined and hopeful about us.
I know there's something there between us.
Im just "not at that level" yet hahaha.
I can get there. I'm sure of it.
but
I'm just scared.
scared.




Edit: that's something you dont hear everyday.
haha. and to think I took her for granted at one point.
Hope I'm not just a complication :/
lol this keeps getting longer, because I keep going back to edit it.
What's even funnier, is that I talk like I have some type of effect on them, or at least her. like I'm speaking like if I come back into the picture she'll just fall for me again. like it's that easy.
and
it's not T_T
:(
I hate, hate, hateeeeee this feeling.
but
I loooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeee her.
and that matters to me way more than whatever hate i have,
so I'll work through it.



Edit 2: I feel so selfish right now.
I just want the one thing I've wanted more than anything else ever >_>
is that really.
too much to ask?
:/



Edit 3: Taken from Yvette's Blog, Loch ness Monster March, 30 2010
Marcusssss:) he's like my <3 lol, seriously though he's really the bestest friend i've ever had---Chris might have him beat though, idk lol--anywhoo, we've become really great friends despite the messy tunnel we've traveled & i'm just so delighted to have him as MY outlet. lol, this bit was just really random; he came to mind so yeah lol.

Taken from Yvette's Blog, #Justsaying, May, 25 2010
Oye =) ahaha, what a Lameeeee. whatever, lol. i mean most people have probably noticed already that i'm crushing maddd hard on dude lol. what can i say, iDigg dude ahaha. but yeah, i like him, he likes me & that's where we are. it's funny because when i want smthg i usually like just GO get it but i like where we are it's not complicated or anything<---that's the Last thing i need right now lol. i hate the fact that dude's a Junior though like wtheck & dude's 16<---R A P E lmao. but it's cool, i'm not tripping :)

=[
I hate that I do things like this lol.
see,
I think.
The only part that still holds true for mine is the bestest friend ever thing :/
and I just talked to her about how I end up girls' best friend or brother like figure ALL the time.
but that's beside the point.
When I read this.
I see similarities.
and differences.
:<
jsdkshuihfbgfksjaskj
lol.
I hate love -___-




Edit 4: I..., fuck it.




Edit: 5. should be the last one.
=]
haaaaa
ilhersomuch.
CANT KEEP ME DOWN WHEN IT COMES TO YOUUU.
<3
jisodas
:D