=]

I'm such an emotional idiot ahah.
I really let my emotions get to me, and I say, and do stupid things! >.<
That needs to stoppppp >.>
anyway, this isn't about.
my emotions lol.
well it was, but now it isn't D:
not like was, as originally intended, but like was as in when I was talking about it at that time :O
Because, my original intention is...
wait can you say original intention is?
well is/was
That little face in my title.
The one that resembles a smile.
Ya! that thingggg. A smile ^_^
well, there's a reason it's up there, and that's becaussseeee.
I'm... happy?
lol.
:O
I guess it's weird for me to say that, without like.
being asked, or somebody telling me that I'm sad or smthg.
either way
there's a couple reasonssss
I am happy.
and they're all people lol.
gogogogogogo

Brinyyyy=D
that fgty fgt >_>
She's always worse off than I am, so i makes me happy lol. Well, that's not the reason obv. I didn't even think of that until I realized it could be a joke D:.Anywhoo. She such a fgt. and. she knows she's a fgt. So I call her a fgt, and she's like -_-. ahaha. Actually, I can't pinpoint a reason for her exactly making me happy.
she just a fgt -_- <3333

Justin, Arthur, Johnny
=]]]
hdusiuhdsjyhfsd. lol. We just have fun all the time. like going out and just hanging and stuff. We don't really talk much when we don't see each other, and that's probably cuz I'm not exactly the best at holding convos with a guy, but when we see each other it's fun funfunfunfunfunfgyugsdyujs funnnnnn :D

HeaT, Derrick, Mike + crew
D*** SLANG!
see, without them, I wouldn't have even known about that.
and neither would the people I showed! lol of course, that's not guaranteed, but I like how we can hang out like, pretty much any day of the week. And, they're all extremely wild. rofl. A bunch of idiots I tell ya <3

Aja
what a weird person lol.
That pretty much sums it all up. She's weird, and she talks about nothing rofl. but it all makes sense somehow, it's jsut extremely random. She never goes to sleep, because she's an idiot >_>. Then tries to blame it on me for whatever reason. Her music love is mad hot D: Pretty cool girl if you ask me! =]

Yvette
Whaddahottie.
This girl. got me [insert positive word here]. I guess she's a pretty cool girl. or smthg of that sort. we make each other smileee. I don't really hate smiling like some people seem to think; I normally just don't have a reason to do so anddd
I'm assuming since she makes me smile so much, she's a pretty good reason ; ]
"This just in: I smiled" =]

Janelle
What a cool girl!
I never really thought I'd talk to her, mainly because she always used to make this like ridiculous face, whenever she spoke to me, but that's only because I made her feel awkward with the looks I gave her lol. Mad fun to talk to. We actually hang out too!
well, it's through hanging with johnny, arthur, and justin, but still! Nice she can hang with the guys.

Smash community
THEY.
ARE AMAZING.
sooooo fun. so funny. I talk to them almost all the time. All through the night and day. Malcolc, Marquez, Uruk, Tanya, Ralph, I talk to the most. They're mad cool and funny :D
Then I hang with Terrece, David, Zak, Danny, Marquez again, AND MY BBY KENNY :D. rofl Ahhh, I'd be insane without themmm. We actually talk about things other than smah, like life and stuff, they've helped me with a few things tbh. ahh.
so amazinggg <333333333333333333333333333333333333333

well, well, well, as of now.
These are my reasons to smile. =]
Say Cheese!
=P

(l)

lol xat talk. It's a heart.
I'm awake at 4 AM. I mean sure that's nothing out of the usual. But. it's not just because I'm not sleepy. I mean, I'm not but that's not the reason I'm awake atm. I'm thinking alot. need to let stuff off my chest. Maybe then I'll be able to get SOME rest.
I only have two things on my mind, but right now, I'm only talking about one.
which is obv the heart, or at least my heart lol.
That's a paramore song actually, and Yvette used to say it about me all the time. No surprise she's in here. I mean she's only my "girlfriend for life" as Sua would say ahaha.
But, that feeling is starting to fade.
What we thought we'd be
what everyone thought we'd be
is not what's happening at the moment.
and
quite frankly,
I'm happy for her.
but
I feel like crap to say the least ahaha. I hate the feeling of longing for someone that's longing for someone else.
She made Oye public, so I guess I can too lol.
Meh, I was hoping it wouldn't get this far between them, but a man can only hope I guess.
I'm just so disheveled. like.
blah is the only pure thought that comes to my mind. the rest are like incomplete words that merge with other words.
I feel replaced. I feel like I'm becoming less important.
but
what's the most odd thing is.
I don't feel like it's done between us.
I don't feel like everything is over.
I 'm not at a point when I'll give up. I can't believe I'm being so optimistic, as this is like extremely rare.
I'm not sure what it is, but something is stopping me from giving up.
thing is.
I don't
want to mess things up between them. like if you read her blog, you know how she feels about him, and she said she doesn't want any complications right now, and that it's the last thing she needs. I'll just be a complication. Shes extremely happy, and I'm happy for her.
but
I hate the feeling
of ruining that.
even if it's her choice to come to me or whatever.
I still persisted.
I still was there.
I still didn't let go.
I'm caught in a huge internal struggle right now, and what's worse is: I'm struggling about something I can't control. I can't control her feelings toward me. I can't change how she feels about Oye.
so
at this point, Idk what to say.
I've put my heart on the line for her so many times.
This heart that beats only for you is hurt, withered, and broken down.
I was actually starting to get over her.
and then.
Graduation rehearsal was
fun to say the least.
we smiled.
we were happy.
having fun.
very vague right?
I mean I do that with all my friends so what's special?
As much as I want to come up with a good thing that's special, I cant.
Wow @ promise coming on outta nowhere lol.
I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY I CAN CALL BOO
LOOKIN FOR THE ONLY ONE I CAN GIVE MY ALL TO
TELL ME IF IT'S YOU, YOU, YOUUU.
I wish it were that easy lol.
I'm scared. that's all this is.
all these words.
are fear.
My thoughts.
my feelings.
the reason I'm awake.
is all fear of losing something that isn't even mine.
This blog looks so negative, but it's really not.
I'm actually really determined and hopeful about us.
I know there's something there between us.
Im just "not at that level" yet hahaha.
I can get there. I'm sure of it.
but
I'm just scared.
scared.




Edit: that's something you dont hear everyday.
haha. and to think I took her for granted at one point.
Hope I'm not just a complication :/
lol this keeps getting longer, because I keep going back to edit it.
What's even funnier, is that I talk like I have some type of effect on them, or at least her. like I'm speaking like if I come back into the picture she'll just fall for me again. like it's that easy.
and
it's not T_T
:(
I hate, hate, hateeeeee this feeling.
but
I loooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeee her.
and that matters to me way more than whatever hate i have,
so I'll work through it.



Edit 2: I feel so selfish right now.
I just want the one thing I've wanted more than anything else ever >_>
is that really.
too much to ask?
:/



Edit 3: Taken from Yvette's Blog, Loch ness Monster March, 30 2010
Marcusssss:) he's like my <3 lol, seriously though he's really the bestest friend i've ever had---Chris might have him beat though, idk lol--anywhoo, we've become really great friends despite the messy tunnel we've traveled & i'm just so delighted to have him as MY outlet. lol, this bit was just really random; he came to mind so yeah lol.

Taken from Yvette's Blog, #Justsaying, May, 25 2010
Oye =) ahaha, what a Lameeeee. whatever, lol. i mean most people have probably noticed already that i'm crushing maddd hard on dude lol. what can i say, iDigg dude ahaha. but yeah, i like him, he likes me & that's where we are. it's funny because when i want smthg i usually like just GO get it but i like where we are it's not complicated or anything<---that's the Last thing i need right now lol. i hate the fact that dude's a Junior though like wtheck & dude's 16<---R A P E lmao. but it's cool, i'm not tripping :)

=[
I hate that I do things like this lol.
see,
I think.
The only part that still holds true for mine is the bestest friend ever thing :/
and I just talked to her about how I end up girls' best friend or brother like figure ALL the time.
but that's beside the point.
When I read this.
I see similarities.
and differences.
:<
jsdkshuihfbgfksjaskj
lol.
I hate love -___-




Edit 4: I..., fuck it.




Edit: 5. should be the last one.
=]
haaaaa
ilhersomuch.
CANT KEEP ME DOWN WHEN IT COMES TO YOUUU.
<3
jisodas
:D

Blah.

Something is always bothering me. Like, always. I never get the feeling that everything is perfect; everything is how I want it to be, and maybe that's impossible, maybe it isn't, but I know that I'm never satisfied with what I have. Sometimes, I hate talking, because I can never explain what I want to explain, or what I say comes off wrong, or whatever. Like now, I'm trying to say something, and I don't even know what I want to say, but, in my mind,it's all so clear. I'm sure that this will be more of like one of Miles' "randomness" blogs, which I stopped following. Not just his randomness blogs, but like his blogs all together. Idek if like... He still blogs LOL. I just kinda stopped caring to read. It was just too much too keep up with. lol I want to press enter sooo badly, just because I'm used to typing that way. This is one of my non angry blogs. I kinda just came here, and started typing. Guess I've just been meaning to do it lately or something. Meh, I'm tired of trying to come up for explanations of things. Like **** just happens lol. I'll never be some omniscient being, so I don't even know why I try. My thirst for knowledge can never be satisfied. That has actually been said alot lately: I can't be satisfied, and, to some extent, I believe it. But, on the same note, like I dont believe anyone can. Bleh. whatever. School is almost over. But. idk. lol That's not what's on my mind atm. That thought just kinda passed through and died. What's really on my mind, and has been on my mind the most lately is me lol. Well no. Actually I think my relationship with yvette has been on my mind more, but whatever. I say whatever alot now. Cuz I'm like whatever about things. I really only care about getting to tournaments, and figuring out where things i with yvette will go. It's so sad that I'm like this. I'm so disappointed in myself. bleh. I bleh and blah alot too. hmm. I... lol I wish I knew what I was saying. Like I wish this had some sort of substance. I just sorta type. I wish people could read my mindddd. So, like it would all become so clear. But, you can't have everything you ask for ahaha. I wish my emotions would just go away. Like. if I lost them again, I'd probably sooo satisfied. jus because I wouldn't long for anything. especially something that seems unobtainable. pft. who am i kidding? I still wouldn't be satisfied. I wonder what I used to think about in 10th grade, before I started to show my care for people. Like I can't even remember me thinking. I actually genuinely think I erased that year from my life, until yvette appeared. Like I don't remember **** LOL. I probably won't really remember this point of my life either. actually I will. My mind shuts down when I'm upset, like I can tell lol. well obv I can tell, but like. I'll try to think of something, and if something is really bothering me, then my mind will go right back to it. at this very moment, I can feel rage growing in me lol. like so much of it. hmm. I don't know if I were told this or not, but like, I always think when you lose something you love. It leaves like a big gap, and like You haveto replace it with something, because that gap needs to be filled. Actually, I'm sure Laye told me that. Regardless, I constantly feel it's true lol. there's such a huge gap, that I constantly to try to replace with another emotion. fml lol. It's not always negative. It's not always positive, but it's never what it used to be. Kinda like when you break a bbone, or you get a really deep cut. Like it never really heals, it's just usable again. It'll never be how it was before. but you're body subconciously thinks this needs to be fixed, so it fixes itself, knowing what was once broken won't be the same. It feels the need to fix it. Luckily, the body doesn't have to rely on something else for it to be fixed. It can just do it itself. relationships dont work that way. There's a constant struggle to maintain a good relationship. I'm not good at that though lol. I make things bad. I make things awkward. I make things difficult, but it's all fun in the end. all memories. wow what lol. I suck at getting what I want to say across. This is why I'd rather not talk. :( like I try to speak, and everything comes out wrong ;_;. idky tho. Here I go tryying to find a reason again T_T. why am I combatting myself. Like I'm so against the way I am. for whatever reason. is it like me always wanting to improve myself? ihugyftdcrfg I'm doing it again. I need to learn to separate my thoughtss from my words. That, and uhh something else. like beingh able to be social altogether I guess. :/ I just said something stupid lol. wow. I mean... ehhh. I didnt even mean it like.. kjgkjihugyfgt I hate always having to explain myself. >___> I'm listening to this fire song btw (cd) first time hearing it. ahh xat chat. I spend so much time there. this is what i was talking about lol. Like i try to say something and like it's sooo misinterpretted. I'm getting soo mad, and discouraged lol. like **** talking. I'm just going to keep to myself. I'm so mad. I wish... it could all just go away.
and
I could be alone with the one I love. Whetherit be yvette or not.

Orly?

Well I was about to make a different blog but like I didn't feel like it anymore lol. I wasn't really feeling it.
So I'll just do a portion of the blog that I do feel like doing haha. It's basically me saying everything that I feel about said person while I'm at home, or at least the people that cross my mind every now and then. Of course some people's description thingies will be longer than others but like, that's because I think about some more than others obviously. I guess I just go in like random order.

Miles Blount: Hmm. Well, Over the past...
actually no because he hates going first when it comes to things like this.
eh **** it. He'll get over it. <-- something he would say actually. But uhm. Over the past four years i have realized something that is applicable to the majority of my friends. I'm never number one. For example, in 9th grade you called me your number one best friend, but I would always be behind jazz, or tied with like ej or somebody, There was never a point during 9th, 10th, 11th, or 12th grade where I was number one, because I was simply your best friend. It's always because I'm somebody you can fall back on. When andrew didn't work out, I happened to magically become your number one friend again, but i think the root of it all began with that one time you asked me, "why am I never number one?" There was always something there that wouldn't let you accept the fact that I didn't like you as much as justin, and at one period wendy. You would always bring up how you were number three, though I was "one", and pretty much anybody out there that was willing to spend time/talk to youu became your number 1 over me. Not to say that this is all your fault, but there has always been this underlying problem w/ you not being number 1.
I hate that you can't accept that I hate alot of things. Like, It;ps pretty obvious that I'm not the happiest person alive, and not really the nicest either. Even you yourself say I'm one of extremes, so I don't understand why you can't seem to understand my hate for things. You're mad cool, like... the two classes I see you, but even then you'll do some ignorant ****, and I'll just be like wtf. And like your novelty effect wears off too quickly. Like things seem to go from fine to annoying really quickly, but that is because you butcher things...

**** it's late. I'll finish later :/

Buh

Bye

O__o

Lately, well not exactly lately, but more like the past two days, I've been hearing a bunch of friend talk, and it has gotten me thinking. Everybody seems to have an idea of what they want from their friends and/or bestfriends. Some expect, in my opinion, too much of their friends. Since this is going to be specifically about bestfriends, then I'll be addressing how I view a bestfriend. As the years go by, I technically only have one true bestfriend. I mean, when you think about it, how can you have multiple bests in one category? of course, that's taking it too literally. Anyway, I seem to have gotten my idea of how I think a best friend [why the hell do I keep spacing that lol] should be determined. Obviously, this person is Justin. Now, I don't really talk much to justin. I rarely see him school, and when I do see him, it's for a very brief period, usually being around 5-10 minutes. I talk to him outside of school though. This is where a key difference lies in what I see as a best friend, and what some others see. Appararently, In order for someone to be a person's best friend, he has to know everything about you, and help with all your problems, and basically be a second you. Now, I wholeheartedly disagree with that. Back to my previous example, Justin. Now, As I said, we talk out of school. Oddly enough, he knows almost NOTHING of my personal life. He knows that I play games and stuff, and that I have/had a GF, but that's pretty much it. To be honest, he probably knows the least about me, of all my best friends, but he's still my best, best friend lol. Note, We rarely talk, and we know almost nothing about each other, but we're still the coolesttt. =D
So, I seem to have this idea that I don't need to become some person that basically is a clone of another person. Like, that's wack. Let's go to two more examples, Sua and EJ. Now, you may say, Ej and I "fell off", but does that mean we're magically not besfriends? The reason I don't know anything about him is because I don't ask. I will always help him if he needs help or anything. I'll pretty much always be there for him. Just because I talk to him like once a year lol, doesn't mean I'm just going to "demote" him to a regular friend. If we don't talk much, so the **** what? He still acts the same towards me, and I the same for him, so why the **** does it matter? Sua is also in the same boat. Though I talk to her more than Ej, it's still not as much as Yvette, who seems to be my only constant source of communication. Sua and I are mad cool. Like that's basically it. The level of cool is mad high, so I think of her as my bestfriend. Not, because we always talk [pfffttt not at all], but because we can not talk for like a week, and just hop into a conversation without saying, we never talk, or some type of introduction that isn't necessary. We KNOW we don't talk often, and it's obviously not that big of a deal. Though I knowm more personal things about her than other people, and maybe her the same for me? idk lol. but ya though I know more, it's not like the only reason we talk. Where as Miles, seem to have this idea that we also "fell off". I'm used to it, because he always does it. He pushed me to the side for andrew before, and he's "pushing me to the side again". The reason this is in quotes is thathe didn't really push me to the side. It's more like I didn't really care about all his Girl problems and whatnot. Don't get me wrong, it's fun helping, but when EVERY ENCOUNTER HAS THE SAME RESULT it seems kinda pointless. Now, I'm nowhere close to saying that he isn't my best friends, though he may say it. Idc though. I'll think of him as my bestfriend. If he has a problem, then he can come to me, though He'd rather go to yvette. We don't talk AT ALL lol. I think we talk even less than Ej and I talk, and that's terrible lol, BUT! He's still mad cool, sometimes, and I'm not just going to be like okkkk, **** you, because he's had MINOR changes in his demeanor. Edem calls me lmfao. He's one of only THREE people that call me, and that's surprising lol. maybe, it's because he doens't have texting, and I'm never on facebook lol. Hmm that must be it. He's funny though, and we talk about real **** sometimes. Most of the time. It's just dumb stuff that doesn't matter like Mike tyson lolololol. That's pretty much our best friend thing. Laughs and real talk. Did I do yvette? lmfaaooo technically I have ahahaha lololol. Ok ok ok. but ya. I mean we were hitting best friend status before we went out, soooo it wasn't magically just going to change. Though ALOT of crap has happened between us, and that's something I like. When we can still be the almost bestest of friends [get raped by justin lol] evn thogh crap went down. like just get over ittt. That's the way to go. T\I know more abot her, and talk to her more than ANY OTHER FRIEND, [anyone noticing a trend?] anddd I get mad at her the most lol. stil ther for each other, even if "I don't make her happy anymore" lol. Man that cut me deep ahah. I'm missing someone. DAAAVVV. Now, I thought once he graduated then we would stop talking, but I talk to him so much. Though it's usually just dumb stuff like games. We're also doing the 99 bottles of beer on the wall through texts lol. It's mad cool that someone would go through that with me. We were always cool, but I expected something different than what I got. Vernonnn. We're cool. Always. Nothing more needs to be said. Same for Wendy. Like OH SNAP THAT MAKES FOUR PEOPLE THAT CALL lol. Just remembered.


Basically, I don't give a **** how much we talk. I don't care how much you know about me, or how much I know about you. As long as we're static, and We can go to each other at any time for practically anything, then You're my bestfriend.

Also, Smash tournaments are so fun =D
Traveling + meeting new people are great.
P.S: Ignore the errors -_-

Alas

After a short interim in my blogging, if one considers a month and a few days short, I have finally managed to convince myself to click 'New Post' and start another memoir. It is not my Forte to not have a topic, but I really just feel like this is a time, when I should blog. Why? I am unsure, but some feeling stronger than Hercules himself, tells me that this is a period in which this blog will prove to be useful to someone. I am certain, that unlike many of the blogs I spew in my blind rage, this will prove to be useful now, and possibly later in life. As a young adult nearing the age of 18, I have some things I need to do. Get into college, get a job, get my license etc, but I am not really worried about any of that. For some inexplicable reaosn, I seem be under the impression that I would be worrying about nothing, when all of the aforementioned items, will have a big impact on my, and a few others, future. I have no plans, or anything of that sort. My only "plan" is to go with the flow of life. I think that with time comes gifts. In my eyes, everything one receives in life is a gift, whether it be from a "God" or from some stranger. From the moment one is born, to the time of impending death, everything one has received has been a gift. Therefore, I believe that things will just sort of fall into place. While it may seem delusional for me to recklessly dive head first into the future, a future that may hold countless amounts of hardships, and to think things will just fall into place, it is just how life has worked for me. It is hard being someone that is naturally talented in alot of things. One becomes lonely, because everything seems so boring. One doesn't know how it feels to work extremely hard, just to pass a class. It all just comes to me, with such an ease. I never know how it feels to work hard, because I have never had to do it, which, in turn, has pretty much made me the way I am. As such, I have a very short vision of the future. Tomorrow, though it may only be hours until that time, seems like millennia away. I can not possibly imagine to see my future years from now, or even what I would want it to be.

This blogspot thing is becoming increasingly popular in my circle of friends. The ability to write freely appeals to my friends I guess. With people that can't really express themselves in words, writing, or in this case typing, becomes their form of expression. To belay information with just their fingers and a keyboard, seems to draw in people to this site. When one reads other blogs, one either will feel enticed to create one's own personal space of revelations, or relegate oneself from the ghastly sight of one splurging oneself on the internet. Apparently, my friends, particularly Miles and Dave, have some sort of way to make the former happen. While I may not be the biggest fan of their work, I can not help but to marvel at their ability to inspire others. When they blog, they entice their readers to want more. With every word, they captivate their readers. They seem to convey this aura or sensation, that no human could ever resist. Erhm... I lied. Maybe, that was overexaggerating. Still, it's amazing to see how much influence ones writings can have. I, sometimes, feel inferior when I compare some of their stuff to mine. I do not do it intentionally. It just subconciously happens. As Miles would say, "my voice doesn't seem loud enough", or, as Dav would say, "I critique myself too hard". Anything, I can possibly spout from my brain, seems to be terribly written, and I think that I should discard it, no matter how good it may, or may not, be. Though I may seem to be harsh on Miles writings, I only do it because nobody else will. Not to say I want to "hate" on him, because he has no haters, because him having no haters would be a lie, but to say it because so many people praise his work, but they fail to see his mistakes. I tell him how good it is, but I point out his flaws. I think that the way people go about commenting his blogs are wrong sometimes. Yes, it is good that you give him credit, but I fail to see why you can't tell him that he could have done this better, or how you missed that connection you could have made. To me, that way shows him that while he is doing well, he can still improve. I only do it so he can be better, because it would be nice to see how good his writings may become.

I do not know why people like to see their names in others blogs. Maybe it is because it shows that one is thinking about the other person or something. I was talking to Sua, and she was happy because she was mentioned in some of my older blogs. I wanted to ask why, but I did not. Mostly because, at that time, it was not of any importance to me, and to be honest, it still isn't.

I am so out of tune with the social world. Everyone and everything seem so distant to me, for one reason or another. Of course, this is mostly my fault, due to me not really talking to anyone, but I always fail to see why I have to talk to someone first. Then again, it [almost] always seems that way to the person that starts talking.

I have become sooooo mellow. Like, I am ridiculously calm the majority of the time, unless I'm playing a game lol. Speaking of that, my GC controller broke. >.< I was immensly displeased to find out that it doesn't work anymore. Sadly, I am not sure how to get a new one. I will not be able to play brawl for awhile, which sucks, because I can not practice. Remember earlier, when, I was on the topic of how easy things come to me. Well, smash is different. I sucked so badly at smash, when I first stated playing. I just used to spam smashes, because they were the strongest moves. I thought that would lead to me winning, but I played HeaT one day and got utterly destroyed. When I play shooting games, or sports games, even puzzle games, everything seems to just come to me, but Smash is different. I had to practice to get good. I didn't magically attain the level of skill at which I am, by picking up the game. I practiced so much. I've never spent this much time on anything in my life, and I am proud of myself. While others think that I am wasting my time on some stupid game, I am quite content with how this has shaped me. In fact, this game correlates to my work ethic, which used to suck sooooo badly, until I learned how to approach things from this game. I think, that this game has made me a better person. Could I have done things differently and become an even better person? who knows? Too late to find out that.

~PF~