Blah.

Something is always bothering me. Like, always. I never get the feeling that everything is perfect; everything is how I want it to be, and maybe that's impossible, maybe it isn't, but I know that I'm never satisfied with what I have. Sometimes, I hate talking, because I can never explain what I want to explain, or what I say comes off wrong, or whatever. Like now, I'm trying to say something, and I don't even know what I want to say, but, in my mind,it's all so clear. I'm sure that this will be more of like one of Miles' "randomness" blogs, which I stopped following. Not just his randomness blogs, but like his blogs all together. Idek if like... He still blogs LOL. I just kinda stopped caring to read. It was just too much too keep up with. lol I want to press enter sooo badly, just because I'm used to typing that way. This is one of my non angry blogs. I kinda just came here, and started typing. Guess I've just been meaning to do it lately or something. Meh, I'm tired of trying to come up for explanations of things. Like **** just happens lol. I'll never be some omniscient being, so I don't even know why I try. My thirst for knowledge can never be satisfied. That has actually been said alot lately: I can't be satisfied, and, to some extent, I believe it. But, on the same note, like I dont believe anyone can. Bleh. whatever. School is almost over. But. idk. lol That's not what's on my mind atm. That thought just kinda passed through and died. What's really on my mind, and has been on my mind the most lately is me lol. Well no. Actually I think my relationship with yvette has been on my mind more, but whatever. I say whatever alot now. Cuz I'm like whatever about things. I really only care about getting to tournaments, and figuring out where things i with yvette will go. It's so sad that I'm like this. I'm so disappointed in myself. bleh. I bleh and blah alot too. hmm. I... lol I wish I knew what I was saying. Like I wish this had some sort of substance. I just sorta type. I wish people could read my mindddd. So, like it would all become so clear. But, you can't have everything you ask for ahaha. I wish my emotions would just go away. Like. if I lost them again, I'd probably sooo satisfied. jus because I wouldn't long for anything. especially something that seems unobtainable. pft. who am i kidding? I still wouldn't be satisfied. I wonder what I used to think about in 10th grade, before I started to show my care for people. Like I can't even remember me thinking. I actually genuinely think I erased that year from my life, until yvette appeared. Like I don't remember **** LOL. I probably won't really remember this point of my life either. actually I will. My mind shuts down when I'm upset, like I can tell lol. well obv I can tell, but like. I'll try to think of something, and if something is really bothering me, then my mind will go right back to it. at this very moment, I can feel rage growing in me lol. like so much of it. hmm. I don't know if I were told this or not, but like, I always think when you lose something you love. It leaves like a big gap, and like You haveto replace it with something, because that gap needs to be filled. Actually, I'm sure Laye told me that. Regardless, I constantly feel it's true lol. there's such a huge gap, that I constantly to try to replace with another emotion. fml lol. It's not always negative. It's not always positive, but it's never what it used to be. Kinda like when you break a bbone, or you get a really deep cut. Like it never really heals, it's just usable again. It'll never be how it was before. but you're body subconciously thinks this needs to be fixed, so it fixes itself, knowing what was once broken won't be the same. It feels the need to fix it. Luckily, the body doesn't have to rely on something else for it to be fixed. It can just do it itself. relationships dont work that way. There's a constant struggle to maintain a good relationship. I'm not good at that though lol. I make things bad. I make things awkward. I make things difficult, but it's all fun in the end. all memories. wow what lol. I suck at getting what I want to say across. This is why I'd rather not talk. :( like I try to speak, and everything comes out wrong ;_;. idky tho. Here I go tryying to find a reason again T_T. why am I combatting myself. Like I'm so against the way I am. for whatever reason. is it like me always wanting to improve myself? ihugyftdcrfg I'm doing it again. I need to learn to separate my thoughtss from my words. That, and uhh something else. like beingh able to be social altogether I guess. :/ I just said something stupid lol. wow. I mean... ehhh. I didnt even mean it like.. kjgkjihugyfgt I hate always having to explain myself. >___> I'm listening to this fire song btw (cd) first time hearing it. ahh xat chat. I spend so much time there. this is what i was talking about lol. Like i try to say something and like it's sooo misinterpretted. I'm getting soo mad, and discouraged lol. like **** talking. I'm just going to keep to myself. I'm so mad. I wish... it could all just go away.
and
I could be alone with the one I love. Whetherit be yvette or not.